The Moment I’ve Been Waiting For Was A Dissapointment

Filed Under (Life) by on 08-05-2004

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Have you ever spent years obsessing over something and hoping that one day it would come true only to have it come true and it be nothing like you expected? That was my night last night in a nutshell. My best friend my senior year in high school was a girl named Gina. We had known each other since elementary school, but didn’t become close until the last couple years of high school. Just after high school her and I grew apart because of a guy she was dating who didn’t like the fact she spent time alone with me. It all kind of went downhill from there and after she became pregnant I never heard from her again.

I’ve spent the last few years with the thought of her in the back of my mind. Wondering how she was, what she was up to, and she was actually the one person I had hoped I would see now that I live in Corona again, but sadly I hadn’t. The past month or so I had mentioned it a lot more to Misty and how I wondered how she was since Joe had told me she had married his sister-in-law’s cousin or something to that effect. Again I had hoped that at some point while Misty and I were out we would run into her. I’m not sure what I would say or do if I saw her, I just knew that I wanted to see her again…

Last night, I saw her. I was working down at the Sun Wheel loading guests on to the attraction and when I turned to ask groups how many were in their party there she was. Her and her daughter Rebecca. It was perhaps the most awkward moment I have had in a long time. I was at a loss for words and was only able to ask enough to find out that she was married, still lived in Corona, and didn’t keep in touch with anyone from high school. She introduced me briefly to her daughter and after a few brief moments and uneasy glances I loaded her on to the attraction. The two of them rode and when it came to an end it was basically just a “nice to see you, bye” kind of deal. I’m not sure what I was looking for in our interaction. I guess in some ways I had hoped to feel the enthusiastic excitement we used to have as friends. Perhaps to feel the long lost friend found feeling. Sadly it was nothing like that, and it was kind of emotional for me.

Her and I had a lot of great times together, in fact the night of graduation we fell asleep in mid sentence talking about everything great about high school and what we had planned for the future. Perhaps it’s such a strong emotion for me because it was the first TRUE friend I had lost. Someone who had always been there and liked me for me. She never judged me, never faulted me, and could always be trusted. I guess to have that ripped from me at the time with the hope that someday we would reunite and reminisce about the past was too high of a hope. Perhaps she too has turned a new leaf and decided now that she has a child and is married it is time to leave that past behind her. I feel the same, but there are still certain friends from past days that I would let back in my life if they so chose. Perhaps I’ll never know what really happened between her and I, but it’s good to know that everything I was worried about was ok. She’s got a cute little girl and a husband to take care of her and she’s happy. I guess when it comes to real friends that’s really all you can ask for in the end. You hope that no matter how distant you become or far apart you are, you are happy that they have everything they hope and wish for. I guess it’s the selfishness of it all that stings a bit. Knowing that I was left in the dust when I needed her the most. It’s the thought that the friendship we had can never be again…However, seeing her and her daughter gave me some sense of closure in the matter.

The obsessing over the past and the uncertainty of what had happened to her made it almost bittersweet. I think the only other moment that could be as bittersweet would be to see Ryan again. To see him and to have him talk to me as though nothing had ever hurt him and to realize that what happened between our friendship was the stupidity of high school male ego and a mistake. I know it will never be that easy, but maybe in 2009 at my ten year reunion I’ll get that chance. There are only a small handful of those who I care enough about to know what happened to them. Ryan moved to Iowa last I had heard, and since I haven’t spoken to anyone that has been in contact with him I don’t know very much else.

Perhaps part of me will always hold on to those days. Perhaps that’s the reason I can listen to bands like Gin Blossom’s and Candlebox and feel so alive again. To just relive all the memories of high school and wish that all those who I loved dearly then could share the amazing life I live now. To be part of the friendships I share now. I know it all happens for a reason, but for some reason there is a huge chunk of my heart that holds on to my friendships of yesteryear’s. A part of me that can be triggered by certain scents, numerous songs, and even being various places. If only those who I held so close then could be a part of my life now and share in the excitement of my wedding, the excitement of my friendships with Rick and his family and friends. How the years have come and gone as have friends, but now at one of my highest points in life I find myself surrounded by some of the most wonderful people ever. I couldn’t ask for a better group of friends and family than I have now. While I may yearn for those days which I lived carefree with no worries and spent night after night driving around aimlessly under the pail moonlight. I want all those close to me to know how much I love them and how much I appreciate everything they do for Misty and I. The friendships that I took for granted in the past now lay dead, but these burn strong with a bond that will last for years to come…Rick, Alisha, Robbie, Jen, and many more have built memories beyond that of my past. Your love and friendship is not unnoticed and is not taken for granted…Goodnight.

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