Dear Anonymous

Filed Under (Life, Musings) by on 08-25-2003

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So discovering the “Anonymous” postings that plague LiveJournal anytime I write about Joe made me want to put up a huge disclaimer. For you who wish to remain unknown, I KNOW you know me. You know too much about me to not know me. How you found me on here is a whole other question. Furthermore I know it is always the same “Anonymous” person posting since the IP address is always the same. This is a Journal…This is my vent. If I say things that offend you, the persons written about, or anything/anyone else for that matter I apologize. Some people scream into a pillow, some people talk to their friends, some people write songs (I used to), but I have chosen this little niche on the internet to do my venting. In doing so I WILL get reply’s and I don’t mind them. Therefore I did not/will not delete the Anonymous posts. However, criticizing and complaining about stuff written here is hardly worth the time. Much of these feelings are anger or aggravation being transmitted to your computer screen through this site. If anything it’s a written crime of passion. If I come across cocky, arrogant, bitchy, whiny, that’s because this is MY place. I would rather release it here than let it bottle up inside and poison my soul and damper my spirits. Until today I didn’t know where Joe and I stood. I didn’t know whether or not he really was still my friend. I didn’t know a lot of things. I didn’t know that most of the tension in this apartment was due to too many people not knowing what the other was thinking. Too many people not saying anything because of how they felt the other would react. Should I have handled the situation better? Probably. Should I have listened to Misty the 500 times she told me to talk to Joe even after I attempted the first time. Again, probably. Do I regret my actions? No.

So much has happened to me as a person over the last year. I have made some good and bad decisions. Regardless I was the one to make them. The concern of those around me has always mattered to me. Whether I appear to feel that way or not is beside the point. I never lost site of the friendship Joe and I had in all of this. YES there were times I said it didn’t bug me, YES there were times I acted as though it didn’t bug me, but there is no way you can share almost a decade of your life with someone as your best friend and not worry about it. Many blame my changes on Misty. Why? Because she conveniently came into my life around the same time I began these changes? Misty and I DID have some issues in the first half of our relationship. Most of these stemmed from her lack of acceptance for Joe and Nicole. NO ONE except my parents have known that until now. 90% of our fights were because either she didn’t accept something they did or they didn’t accept something she did. It wasn’t until a few months back after being up until 2 or 3 a.m. that we came to peace with it. She knew that Joe was part of the package. Joe is my best friend, he isn’t going anywhere. She respected that. Now I know “Anonymous” you will want to reply and say, “But she hasn’t.” That may well be, but no one can go from feeling defensive and out of place to being every one’s best friend overnight. And in all reality respecting that someone is my best friend does not mean she has to like the person, talk to the person, or even associate herself with that person. Maybe she did stay cooped up in the room away from Joe and Nicole. Maybe her hello’s and goodbye’s weren’t sugar coated. However the fact she attempted and the fact that on more than one occasion she apologized for these differences and uncertainties should account for something. Perhaps the fact that she was blamed for my wrong doings when she first moved in has a lot to do with it. The fact she felt attacked and alone when she was here. The fact that she was constantly vulnerable to the blame and finger pointing and still is ’til this day could have a lot to do with it. Misty may not be the bubbly girlfriend Kat was. She’s not like anyone else I’ve ever dated. She’s intense, passionate, and outspoken. Perhaps the fact she ISN’T like anyone else I have ever dated is what throws you or makes you think I will be or am unhappy. She has not changed me and is not to blame for anything I have done over the last year.

When I decided to move out she said she would be blamed. Misty NEVER mentioned or even cared to move. In the end however everyone assumed Misty was the one making me do it. NO ONE can make me do anything. I do what I want and what I feel is in my best interest. Joe said when we talked that perhaps my vision is clouded and people from the outside see things I don’t. But the ones always looking through the window don’t always see what goes on in the other room. My vision has never been clearer. I am getting married next year. I return to school in the Spring full time in order to finally finish. Once that is out of the way I can finally quit the Disney gig and work for a company that isn’t falling apart due to poor management and ownership. From there I can move on to a new job and work on a steady income to start a family.

So please to “Anonymous” and to the rest of you…There is a lot more to my life than what is in this journal. There are plenty of stories and feelings hidden behind these words that you can’t see. Things you can’t even fathom. And “Anonymous” if you are a friend, don’t criticize my fiance’. Be happy that I have found someone I am in love with enough to want to spend the rest of my life with. Whether or not YOU think she is what I need or not. Maybe it’s a good thing that you posted so I could get this out to you and anyone else who thinks they know who I am or what I want. Maybe I have been a little self absorbed over the past few months, maybe I have been kinda arrogant. But that’s a first in the whole 22 years of life I have lived. I was always the one who went out of their way for everyone else. I gave and gave and gave. I’m not trying to sound holier than thou either, nor am I looking for applause or sympathy. But maybe, just maybe I needed to stop giving. Maybe I needed time for ME.

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