Blue Christmas

Filed Under (Life) by on 12-11-2003

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Today was the first day in a long time that I actually felt depressed. I’m not really sure why though. It could be a mix of things, could partly be because I am really tired. It was just weird feeling that way again. it’s been years since I have actually felt depressed. Sure, I’ve felt down time and again, but not to the point where you just feel like shit. It may just be since I’ve been so over run with work lately and having to get up at 6 a.m. and not going to bed until 11 or 12. Even cutting out early today didn’t help, my body is still dead tired. It could just be that Yule/Christmas is just around the corner and I just can’t get into the mood this year. Perhaps due to the fact that Misty and I can’t afford to get anyone gifts, but we both know we will still wind up receiving them. We did bake for everyone, but still…Meanwhile I am still stressing over finances and making sure that we are ok. Only two months rent left unless the girl that was going to move in with Joe moves in come January. I’m hoping she does, it will help me out a lot. Meanwhile I’m thinking I’ll never see our security deposit again. As long as Joe stays there I can’t get back the deposit, not to mention the apartment is going to need a lot of cleaning from what I can tell as of now. I had to use the bathroom today when I went to drop off the treats we made for Joe and Nicole. Since my old bathroom is empty there was no TP so I had to use Joe’s. It was disgusting….I thought it was bad when I lived there, but I don’t think it has ever been cleaned. The bathtub, walls, and floors are practically brown with dirt and grime. I almost wished I had one of those paper ass gaskets that they have in public restrooms. It literally made me nauseous sitting there. To top off the whole thing the apartment reeks of cat feces, from what I could tell I don’t believe the litter box is regularly cleaned out. The apartment is also littered with numerous weeks worth of newspapers. I think the only clean room in the apartment is our old room, the only thing wrong with it is that Joe moved himself into it. That will end soon though, since I am still paying for it and told him if he doesn’t take the stuff out I’m not paying rent. If he is occupying the room then that means I shouldn’t have to pay for it.

Speaking of having to pay for it, Misty and I need to really start looking for ideas of where we want to live when we move next Fall/Winter. OC is really expensive, but I really like it out there. I wouldn’t mind living on the western outskirts of Corona, but I hate the drive. I’m thinking after my credit cards are payed off we can afford a place around eight or nine hundred a month. Finding a place like that is a whole other story though. Another part of me wants to save up and get like a condo or town home so we can save up money to get a house a few years from now. Part of me would still like to move away from here and start over, but I know it’s not something plausible at the moment. Not to mention Misty doesn’t want to leave her family behind, especially while Travis is still so young. Only time will tell what is going to happen, meanwhile I think I am going to go insane living in Corona…

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