With only seven days left in the year 2003 I find myself thinking more and more about the past. As odd as it seems I have had dreams about my childhood over the last week or so. I even caught myself daydreaming last week about when my dad taught me to ride a bike. What does it all mean?

Perhaps it’s my subconscious telling me that I have finally made that step to adulthood. So much has happened in the last year, much of it I still can’t believe. At the start of the year everything was great. I had a girlfriend that meant the world to me, I was surrounded by friends, and I had never felt better. Come Spring I had moved up the corporate ladder at work to finally become a Working Lead after working for Disney for just over two years. I had finally come to terms with my previous relationship. I was happy in knowing Kat had found someone new and I was content being in a new serious relationship.

At the start of Summer things started going sour. I found myself being slightly less considerate of those around me and found that I was going through some meaningful changes in my life. I had grown tired of the juvenile excitement of spending every night partying. Drinking every weekend, just to get a buzz and act like an ass was no longer fun. I found myself becoming distant to the ones closest to me. I had separated myself from my current scene and finally set my heart on the things which I loved deepest. The darker things, the gothic things.

I found myself being drawn to the darkness more and more. I lost my passion for punk music and my current surroundings. With these changes came many misunderstood gestures and attitudes. Arguments became more frequent with my roomate and distaste for my current living conditions had increased and I found myself wanting out.

Growing tension between Misty and Joe also made it difficult to decide what it was I wanted and needed in my life. I spent nights just crying, screaming on the inside for it all to stop. Never did I think that after a decade of friendship, that for years seemed inseparable, would go sour. In the late summer I proposed to the girl I love more than anything. I announced my engagement to everyone, but nothing hurt more than the somewhat carefree response I got from my “so called” best friend. At that point I knew that we had become two different people. I then knew it was time to move on before things got too bad.

With this came a huge serparation not just from him but also from other acquaintance’s that I had shared so many interests with over the past years. During this time I found new light in friendships where I hadn’t before. Rick and I finally reached the point of a solid friendship. We understood one another, we were there for one another.

Now here I sit in the last days of the year 2003. I have spent countless hours pondering the future, wondering where I will be a year from now. I’ve lost my best friend for various reasons, some selfish and some not. Regardless I have no regrets.

Everything happens for a reason…I now am surrounded by those who I deem closest. Danielle and Brianne are back in the picture and though our visits are far and few, we are just as close as ever. They have embraced mine and Misty’s relationship with open arms and I couldn’t be happier. I have found a new friendship with Rick on a level it’s never been before, and through him I have made many more friends. Friends like Robbie, Alisha, Alex, Danny, and Jason. And while our friendship may never have that same bond Joe and I had shared over the last decade, I know it is a bond that won’t be destroyed by petty things.

Most importantly I have found the girl of my dreams. A girl with an amazing heart, and an even more amazing mind. And while we have our good times and our bad, we know that in the end no matter what is said and done we love one another. And with her comes a whole new family. Her family is probably made up of some of the most caring and down to earth people I know. And while they, just like any family, have their problems; I embrace them with open arms. A hilarious joke cracking, story telling father in-law, a caring and outgoing mother in-law, a wild and crazy little brother, four very hard to get used to sisters, and an adorable little niece to wrap it all up. Never have I felt more welcome into a family.

I lost a lot this year, but I gained even more. This year has been a huge step for me and only time will tell what paths I take next. I do know that this time next year I will be spending my first Yule with a beautiful wife. What does this mean to anyone else? Probably nothing, but it does to me and right now that’s all that matters.

Merry Christmas to everyone, Happy New Year, and Happy Yule, and I’ll see you all next year!

Well the week is finally over. THANK GOD! These past two weeks have been the longest two weeks of my life. Having to get up at either 5:30 or 6:00 is rough. Luckily they are over, and next week should be a bit better. I found out today that I close on New Year’s Eve. 4:30 p.m. – 2:00 a.m., YIKES! It should be fun though. Holidays like that always are. I open on Christmas and Jason and I are trying to get the rest of the crew to bring stuff in for a Holiday potluck type thingy.

Joe pissed me off tonight. He basically acted as though regardless what I said he didn’t care. Thank god the lease is up in February. I haven’t decided what I am going to do yet if come the first Joe has not moved out his stuff. The whole thing just pisses me off. He told me that he moved his stuff cuz the room was just sitting there empty. I told him it didn’t matter cuz I was still paying for the room. He apparently though that I was just paying rent cuz I was stuck in the lease. He must have felt that I was stupid enough to let him have the whole apartment while I sit here paying almost six hundred fucking dollars cuz he had to sit on his ass instead of look for an apartment all these months. The thing that killed me most is that he’s getting another apartment in February…WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T HE DO THAT WHEN I MOVED OUT?! Come February I don’t know what is to come of our friendship. I am to the point where I feel that I have been taken advantage of for too long and don’t really give a shit either way. What do you do with friends like that? Maybe it’s time we just moved on. We shared some good times over the last decade, but what do you do when every time you talk to someone there is tension. Time will tell, maybe without the apartment fiasco in the way things will ease a bit. There will always be the tension between them and Misty…Lord knows they hurt her.

Monday is Christmas for my ‘rents, Misty, and I. We’re having a X-mas breakfast since our work schedules are so crazy. We’re gonna get up early, open presents, and then have pancakes and stuff. YUM! I kinda miss Misty. Things have been so ass backwards these past few weeks that we hardly see eachother. By the time she gets home I am ready to pass out from exhaustion. We basically talk for a few minutes, kiss, turn out the lights and sleep. Good times….

Today was the first day in a long time that I actually felt depressed. I’m not really sure why though. It could be a mix of things, could partly be because I am really tired. It was just weird feeling that way again. it’s been years since I have actually felt depressed. Sure, I’ve felt down time and again, but not to the point where you just feel like shit. It may just be since I’ve been so over run with work lately and having to get up at 6 a.m. and not going to bed until 11 or 12. Even cutting out early today didn’t help, my body is still dead tired. It could just be that Yule/Christmas is just around the corner and I just can’t get into the mood this year. Perhaps due to the fact that Misty and I can’t afford to get anyone gifts, but we both know we will still wind up receiving them. We did bake for everyone, but still…Meanwhile I am still stressing over finances and making sure that we are ok. Only two months rent left unless the girl that was going to move in with Joe moves in come January. I’m hoping she does, it will help me out a lot. Meanwhile I’m thinking I’ll never see our security deposit again. As long as Joe stays there I can’t get back the deposit, not to mention the apartment is going to need a lot of cleaning from what I can tell as of now. I had to use the bathroom today when I went to drop off the treats we made for Joe and Nicole. Since my old bathroom is empty there was no TP so I had to use Joe’s. It was disgusting….I thought it was bad when I lived there, but I don’t think it has ever been cleaned. The bathtub, walls, and floors are practically brown with dirt and grime. I almost wished I had one of those paper ass gaskets that they have in public restrooms. It literally made me nauseous sitting there. To top off the whole thing the apartment reeks of cat feces, from what I could tell I don’t believe the litter box is regularly cleaned out. The apartment is also littered with numerous weeks worth of newspapers. I think the only clean room in the apartment is our old room, the only thing wrong with it is that Joe moved himself into it. That will end soon though, since I am still paying for it and told him if he doesn’t take the stuff out I’m not paying rent. If he is occupying the room then that means I shouldn’t have to pay for it.

Speaking of having to pay for it, Misty and I need to really start looking for ideas of where we want to live when we move next Fall/Winter. OC is really expensive, but I really like it out there. I wouldn’t mind living on the western outskirts of Corona, but I hate the drive. I’m thinking after my credit cards are payed off we can afford a place around eight or nine hundred a month. Finding a place like that is a whole other story though. Another part of me wants to save up and get like a condo or town home so we can save up money to get a house a few years from now. Part of me would still like to move away from here and start over, but I know it’s not something plausible at the moment. Not to mention Misty doesn’t want to leave her family behind, especially while Travis is still so young. Only time will tell what is going to happen, meanwhile I think I am going to go insane living in Corona…