So discovering the “Anonymous” postings that plague LiveJournal anytime I write about Joe made me want to put up a huge disclaimer. For you who wish to remain unknown, I KNOW you know me. You know too much about me to not know me. How you found me on here is a whole other question. Furthermore I know it is always the same “Anonymous” person posting since the IP address is always the same. This is a Journal…This is my vent. If I say things that offend you, the persons written about, or anything/anyone else for that matter I apologize. Some people scream into a pillow, some people talk to their friends, some people write songs (I used to), but I have chosen this little niche on the internet to do my venting. In doing so I WILL get reply’s and I don’t mind them. Therefore I did not/will not delete the Anonymous posts. However, criticizing and complaining about stuff written here is hardly worth the time. Much of these feelings are anger or aggravation being transmitted to your computer screen through this site. If anything it’s a written crime of passion. If I come across cocky, arrogant, bitchy, whiny, that’s because this is MY place. I would rather release it here than let it bottle up inside and poison my soul and damper my spirits. Until today I didn’t know where Joe and I stood. I didn’t know whether or not he really was still my friend. I didn’t know a lot of things. I didn’t know that most of the tension in this apartment was due to too many people not knowing what the other was thinking. Too many people not saying anything because of how they felt the other would react. Should I have handled the situation better? Probably. Should I have listened to Misty the 500 times she told me to talk to Joe even after I attempted the first time. Again, probably. Do I regret my actions? No.

So much has happened to me as a person over the last year. I have made some good and bad decisions. Regardless I was the one to make them. The concern of those around me has always mattered to me. Whether I appear to feel that way or not is beside the point. I never lost site of the friendship Joe and I had in all of this. YES there were times I said it didn’t bug me, YES there were times I acted as though it didn’t bug me, but there is no way you can share almost a decade of your life with someone as your best friend and not worry about it. Many blame my changes on Misty. Why? Because she conveniently came into my life around the same time I began these changes? Misty and I DID have some issues in the first half of our relationship. Most of these stemmed from her lack of acceptance for Joe and Nicole. NO ONE except my parents have known that until now. 90% of our fights were because either she didn’t accept something they did or they didn’t accept something she did. It wasn’t until a few months back after being up until 2 or 3 a.m. that we came to peace with it. She knew that Joe was part of the package. Joe is my best friend, he isn’t going anywhere. She respected that. Now I know “Anonymous” you will want to reply and say, “But she hasn’t.” That may well be, but no one can go from feeling defensive and out of place to being every one’s best friend overnight. And in all reality respecting that someone is my best friend does not mean she has to like the person, talk to the person, or even associate herself with that person. Maybe she did stay cooped up in the room away from Joe and Nicole. Maybe her hello’s and goodbye’s weren’t sugar coated. However the fact she attempted and the fact that on more than one occasion she apologized for these differences and uncertainties should account for something. Perhaps the fact that she was blamed for my wrong doings when she first moved in has a lot to do with it. The fact she felt attacked and alone when she was here. The fact that she was constantly vulnerable to the blame and finger pointing and still is ’til this day could have a lot to do with it. Misty may not be the bubbly girlfriend Kat was. She’s not like anyone else I’ve ever dated. She’s intense, passionate, and outspoken. Perhaps the fact she ISN’T like anyone else I have ever dated is what throws you or makes you think I will be or am unhappy. She has not changed me and is not to blame for anything I have done over the last year.

When I decided to move out she said she would be blamed. Misty NEVER mentioned or even cared to move. In the end however everyone assumed Misty was the one making me do it. NO ONE can make me do anything. I do what I want and what I feel is in my best interest. Joe said when we talked that perhaps my vision is clouded and people from the outside see things I don’t. But the ones always looking through the window don’t always see what goes on in the other room. My vision has never been clearer. I am getting married next year. I return to school in the Spring full time in order to finally finish. Once that is out of the way I can finally quit the Disney gig and work for a company that isn’t falling apart due to poor management and ownership. From there I can move on to a new job and work on a steady income to start a family.

So please to “Anonymous” and to the rest of you…There is a lot more to my life than what is in this journal. There are plenty of stories and feelings hidden behind these words that you can’t see. Things you can’t even fathom. And “Anonymous” if you are a friend, don’t criticize my fiance’. Be happy that I have found someone I am in love with enough to want to spend the rest of my life with. Whether or not YOU think she is what I need or not. Maybe it’s a good thing that you posted so I could get this out to you and anyone else who thinks they know who I am or what I want. Maybe I have been a little self absorbed over the past few months, maybe I have been kinda arrogant. But that’s a first in the whole 22 years of life I have lived. I was always the one who went out of their way for everyone else. I gave and gave and gave. I’m not trying to sound holier than thou either, nor am I looking for applause or sympathy. But maybe, just maybe I needed to stop giving. Maybe I needed time for ME.

Insomnia…natures way of making you write in LiveJournal. Today was interesting got up around 9:45 packed up some stuff and headed out. Ate lunch at Del Taco since today is Del Taco Sunday for Misty and I which means I pig out on a #2 Macho Size with two chicken soft tacos and Misty gets a half pound bean a cheese burrito with red sauce and half my fries and drink. I love Del Taco Sundays…I am going to miss them.

We then continued our venture out to Corona where I dropped Misty off at work. Then headed on to my parents where I had my dad help me unload two boxes of food and a tub filled with our bathroom stuff.

Joe called around 1 or 2-ish. We met at Starbuck’s and discussed what exactly was going on with the move. I told him that the move wasn’t 100% because of him, but our differences in lifestyle, cleanliness, and organization did have an effect on it. This conversation lasted for about 2 hours or so. A lot of it dragged on due to the fact I wasn’t telling Joe what he wanted to hear. He wanted a solid explanation to what he did that made me want to move. I continue to explain it wasn’t just him and finally told him I had a lot of personal reasons for moving and felt I didn’t need to explain or justify to him why. In the end it all went well. We’re still friends and he took it rather well. He is looking for a new place and if and when he finds one we can sign out of the current lease. Looks like early November at the latest.

While at Starbuck’s I did realize why I hated being back in Corona. The people…there are too many faces you know. I saw an ex-girlfriends sister while Joe and I were talking. I had hoped that she would not approach me but she did. It was beyond akward and yet quite aggrivating. I don’t want people like that knowing I am back in town. I don’t want to see those faces. Those are the people that drove me away from this town.

After Starbuck’s I went back to the ‘rents and finished some laundry and then picked up Misty. We got her some new underwear and PJ’s since she has been needing them at her work as well as a couple of tops she has been wanting. I didn’t mind spending the money since I knew she needed them and plus they look cute on her.

We finished the night unpacking the food boxes and then eating dinner with my parents. It was good. Mom barbecued some steaks and heated up some twice baked potatoes and mixed up a hell of a salad. Which reminds me. The BBQ Ranch dressing that I believe is put out by Kraft is damn good. Anyway that was my day. Now I am here writing to my hearts content while I should be sleeping since I have to get up at 8:30 tomorrow. But of course that would be too easy…Instead I wake up about an hour after going to bed craving cheez ballz and water. I get up feed to craving come back to bed and lie awake. Now here I sit…Things just can’t go right for me…Can they?

So Misty and I leave Tuesday. We completed all our packing tonight and will take some of our stuff out to Corona tomorrow. Am I excited about moving back to the (909)? Not really, but staying at my parents free of rent will help us save some money until we figure out what is going on with the current apartment. I still haven’t told Joe we are leaving. I attempted late on on Tuesday to tell him, however he felt that going to the bathroom followed by a night of slumber was much more fitting. Though he told me he would talk to me on the following day, I have yet to hear from him. But regardless he will have a letter about what is going on as well as a fifty dollar check for the other half of the furniture I am taking. I’ve decided that we will turn off the phone at the apartment regardless on September 1 and if he decides not to leave until he finds a new place I will charge him for electricity until then so Misty and I can come back and clean with the vaccum. It’s sad that it’s come to this, but what are you gonna do? The only real good that comes of all this is Misty and I will be able to live in peace and save some money at the same time.